Christmas

I survived, I made it -and it is almost over. Today I feel like a gumby doll and have not accomplished much at all except keeping my favorite chair warm. It was a different holiday for us this year. The Mad-Sci worked on Christmas eve so he was not with us at my folks house. This made him the only missing member of our family - and no, my Mother was not to happy. But he made great money and points with the boss. Christmas day was a quiet day at home with just the four of us-and I have to say I enjoyed it! I still made a big Christmas dinner, I just didn't have as much or as large of a variety. Not that it matters anyway because the boys diet yesterday consisted mostly of candy anyway. What is Santa thinking leaving that in their stockings? (Santa is thinking: shoot, I am almost out of time and ideas so if I throw this new toothbrush in it won't be so bad!)

I also gave in and we got the boys a Wii system. That has been hilarious around here and today my arms are actually stiff. My folks came to visit today and it was great to see my Dad up and moving. In his younger days he was a golden glove boxer and even though he has aged-lots - it was good to see his old moves. He also spent a lot of time with T Dog playing golf. My mother did some bowling... once she figured out how. This is the first video game I have allowed my boys to have and their eyes almost fell out of their heads when they opened it. So worth the moment and I of course was crying as usual. Yeah, they think I'm old and lame.

Christmas Eve was spent at my folks home-the house where I grew up. My family is getting quite large now that we have started adding the next generation of spouses and girl/boy friend's and great grand children too. Over 40 of us now in that 3 bedroom rambler. We all squish in there, have a huge buffet dinner and then sit down to sing. This is my favorite part of Christmas. We turn the lights off, everyone finds a place around the tree and we get our old worn Christmas caroling books out. We have 28 songs to sing and have had this tradition for over 25 years. Seems strange I can have a tradition that is over 25 years old. It is a cool thing to glance around the room and know we are all family and that most of the kids have grown up with this. Makes me cry every year (big surprise).

We started this when the first grandchildren came along. My sister's wanted their kids to have something besides opening gifts as a memory. No gifts til you sing is the rule. Kids the age that my kids are now hate it. But the kids who have grown up with this appreciate it and wouldn't miss it. Hard to explain the feeling when you glance around and there are my 70 some year old parents and then look over to their 4 week old great grand daughter. Not only that, the kids in between can sing! They sound so good, my 3 sister's and I often wonder where they got that-since none of us can carry a tune.

So we sing Christmas carols, sing Happy Birthday Jesus and blow out the candles on the special Jesus birthday cake, then flip the lights on and the madness begins. Paper flies, kids cry, kids shout with joy and Mom's sneak sips of wine! Then I load up my car and wonder how in the world do these kids of mine get so spoiled!! My sisters and I do most of the work now because my folks are just too over whelmed by all of this. That is a lot of people to invade your usually quiet space.

Yes, we are a blessed family and I am grateful. Another year we are all able to be together. Another year I survived and am glad it is done. Or almost done, Saturday means celebrating with the Mad-Sci's children. Another dinner I'll make and I'll have my own houseful of little kids. But way less stress for me and all of the kids.

Hope everyone has had a joyous holiday and best wishes in the coming year...

Christmas upadte...

...........and the season continues on. Even if I would prefer to stay in bed and pull the covers up over me. But no, these two little boys of mine would never allow that and I would never do that to them. So even though I am way stressed, I am keeping up with our tradition. Today we started preparing our fourth and last holiday cookie for this year. The frosted cut out cookies. ARgh...flour, dough and soon frosting will be from one end of the house to the other. TanMan and I did the cut out and baking part and when TDog gets home today we will finish off the frosting and decorating. Funny, it is so important to me to keep this tradition up because every year it is the same thing. The boys start out with gusto-which causes the flour and sugar to fly and then about half way through they have had enough and there I sit finishing by myself. Oh well.....some day they better remember and tell their own children how we did this. Today TanMan insisted on putting my Christmas music on while we worked. I even enjoyed it and we sang along as we mixed, rolled and cut out 8 dozen cookies - about half of what I usually do.

I am like a rat. If I can find a hole, no matter how small, I'll squeeze through it. And that is just how my Christmas shopping is coming along. I am managing it and it is even working out for me. I've got a plan in my head, writing it down would be all to easy so I just keep it running through my head. Yes, I wake up at 2 a.m. as it all rolls through my head again. I can't wait until the day after Christmas. That is the day in which I really celebrate - by sitting in my chair in my pajamas the entire day watching the kids play and then yelling at them because by 10a.m. they will be bored. Won't matter that the whole house is scattered with new Christmas toys...and THAT is how I am keeping my shopping in check. Kids just get way to much stuff now days-and really I don't think they care what it is once they rip the paper off.

I have my Christmas dinner planned, all of the adult children and grandchildren will be here and I am going down a new path for my dinner. Usually I make all the traditional dinner stuff-but we have all of these little kids who really don't care what it is. We will be having mac & cheese with a big ole ham and 2 or 3 different colors of jello with some fruit thrown in. I am even going to splurge and do the mac&cheese homemade. I figured Christmas is worth more then ripping open the Kraft box. Anybody out there with a good mac & cheese recipe would be much appreciated!

another Christmas

Eight days til Christmas. Some year, because I have hope, I will have a Christmas where I can actually enjoy and celebrate the reason. Today I am reminding myself over and over what this season really is. It isn't easy. I made a crucial mistake in my banking and ~poof~ all of my Christmas funds are gone!! I have barely begun shopping for the boys and right now, today I do not know how I will make it happen. They, of course, have no idea and are just little boys jumping with excitement. It isn't easy keeping all of this from the two of them. I keep smiling, I help out when they want to make a special Christmas craft for their Grandmother. I smile as I mix up yet another batch of holiday sweets.

I feel as though I am beaten down. I really thought last year was going to be it as far as stressing out over the whole Santa Claus thing. But nope, here I am once again in the same damn boat - or sleigh I suppose. I know I always manage to pull it off but man, I am tired of doing that. I know there is probably some message being sent to me in all of this. I know what the true meaning of Christmas is and that I should be rejoicing. I also have always believed that the Lord never gives one more than they can handle. But dangitt, I don't want to handle this again. I don't want to be out on the day before Christmas trying to figure a way to make my boys smile on Christmas morning. I want it to be easy. I want it to just flow....it never does though.

Negativity. Yep, I've got an extreme case of it. I look at the huge list of Christmas wishes my boys have posted on the refrigerator and I want to throw up. My head is pounding, probably from stress. My stomach is a knot. I am ticked off at myself that I made a stupid mistake and caused all of this. Usually I can usually just nag on the Mad Sci because it is his fault. Not this year. It is my own damn fault.

I have a trillion excuses too. I have been running the boys to their dental appointments, working on school projects, building snowmen to keep the boys occupied, running them to basketball......I don't know, none of them are good enough but there they are. I have never been perfect, never will be and now I have to fight my way out of this latest error of mine.

At times like this I always think of a good friend and former boss of mine and how he describes me. It goes like this: "You can find the most difficult position, and I would think there is no way out and then you find the way'. Yeah well, I am sick of that too. Why can't life just go easy. I don't expect it to be easy all the time but just once in my adult life is it too much to ask for a Christmas that I can smile, breathe and enjoy.

I know I have much to be thankful for. I have two awesome little boys who are happy, healthy and have bright shiny white smiles. I have both my Mom and Dad here to celebrate with and my sisters and their families. This year the entire family will be together including a brand new baby -a miracle baby no less! The Mad Sci and I will be celebrating 15 years of marriage on December 31. And that always makes me laugh-if we make it through the holiday season we get to celebrate another year together. Yippee another year-lets do it again for another 365 days-next Christmas will be different. And then...it never is....

The worst thing about all of this is that I really don't want the people who care about me to know how much stress I am under. I don't want them to know how bad I messed up. I don't want them to see the miracle I am going to pull off to see my boys smile on Christmas morning. So I go along, keep it all to myself, smile and pretend the world is a grand place and hand them a cookie!

"When you arise in the morning,think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love...."
Marcus Aurelius

I "arose" several times throughout the night, so here I am bright and early. You know, the saying that once you have children you will never get a full nights sleep again? That sure is proving to be true for me. If my children do manage to sleep the entire night through - in their own bed, then I wake up on some alarm clock that has been embedded in my brain the day I gave birth. Yes, I still wake up for the 3a.m. feedings. Last night however, TanMan was up and down all night. I am not sure why and from what I gathered from him, neither did he. So he crawls in our bed and I wait for him to fall asleep and then I venture off to his bed. Three in a bed does not work well anymore, so I have learned to just search out the first available, empty bed. Then they find me there. I think my kids have radar. Wherever I am they find me even if they are in some stage of sleep. Oh well, I have been told that someday I will miss that. It is true, there is nothing better than snuggling with those babies.

Here it is, 14 days before Christmas. I think that is what I read somewhere here. Which would explain the funk I am in. I wonder how old will I be when I can sit back and just enjoy the season for what it is meant to be. Now, it is just stress and worry for me. (Thanks Mom, for passing that little gene on to me!) I try really hard to stay positive, and this year the holidays are looking better than they have in the past. But I hate that it all comes down to worrying about finances. Watching the excitement in my boys almost keeps my mood above the dreaded disaster line of moods. Then they start acting like little animals, which is caused from all of the excitement of the upcoming events. It is such a double edged sword. My heart fills up to see the little guys all excited with so much hope and anticipation building as we get closer and closer. Then, I take them into a store and they behave totally out of control and out of character. That's when I stand there looking at them in amazement and - pretend they aren't mine!

Yesterday I spent half of the day out shopping. No, not Christmas shopping-I haven't even started that whole ordeal yet. No, I was shopping for snow boots for the boys. I know I waited a little bit late into the season but still, it is only the 2nd week in December. Wouldn't you think that the stores would keep the shelves stocked with boots? Geeesh, I was at 4 different stores before I found boots. It was a good thing too because at the beginning of the shopping day when TanMan and I walked into the first store, he trailing behind me, all I heard was CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP. I turn back and look and the kid is wearing boots that are obviously wayyyyyyy too big. I pull off a boot and look, it is a size 3! TanMan wears size 12, making the boots he is wearing four sizes to big. UGH...failure as a Mom is buzzing in my head. This only makes the need for new boots greater and as I go from store to store the panic in me is rising. So of course, my cell phone rings - and it is my Mother!! She wants to know why I sound so crabby! Well, let me tell you Mom, and I explain the boot size issue and she quickly starts in with a lecture about how could I have let that happen? I have been sending the child to school in those boots. She then asks if I have checked TDogs boots and if maybe that is the reason he is throwing such a big stink about wearing boots? OK, I did not need this now but Mom says to meet her at the store by her house, she is sure they have boots and plus I can then use her senior discount. I am all for discounts, especially this month. So we meet and as we stand in front of the boots-yep, Kohl's has snow boots still, I pull off TanMans boot again and check the size. Hmmmm, size 2....well what in the world, and I pull off the other boot. Size 3! The kid is wearing two different size boots and my Mother is there to witness it. arghhhhhh...there is that failure thing swimming around my head again. My Mother asks; "how could you"?

I just moved my entire household and the majority of the move I did alone while the Mad Scientist was at work. He moved the heavy stuff. I've been busy and occupied with getting schools changed, address changes and the whole load of business that happens when you move. I have an excuse for my neglect, really!

Anyway, I find both the boys boots-tell the guy at checkout to double check and make sure I have matching pairs. Because at this point I am thinking anything is possible and if there is a screw up to be made-I am going to make it. He looks at me like I fell off of a different planet. My mother shakes her head and continues on with her purchase of 2 Christmas mugs ($9 each) and a $14.00 canister of hot chocolate - for my boys. I couldn't resist looking over at her and comment - and you wonder how they get so spoiled?? Fourteen dollars for hot chocolate the stuff better have gold floating in it! The sales guy says that's what grandmas are for. I calmly tell him to not defend her-and she smugly walks off.

I drove home while the thoughts of TDog and if he was going to pitch a fit over the boots I purchased for him? Right now, anything is possible from that child. I am trying to be patient with him. I have upset his whole little world with this move. He has made major changes -major in the life of an 8 year old anyway. I know he picks up on my stress-and he is a worrier. As soon as he is old enough I'll explain that it is his grandmothers fault he is like that Not mine. If everything is always Moms fault-I am using it too-sorry Mom...that's just the way the ball bounces......plus making points with fourteen dollar hot chocolate, after I have forgot the last 2 times when grocery shopping to buy the $1.98 just add hot water kind ---paybacks mom, paybacks.....we all pay!

There that feels a little better. Now I just need the patience and strength to get through the next two weeks Oh and I also need a windfall of cashola to get through it too..cuz my boys have a Santa list a mile long. Now, I wonder who I can blame for the greedy gene they have going on...that probably comes from their Dad's side!! LOLOL

Good Lord....it is a Monday for sure. I find it interesting that I can have two children who are so much alike in many ways and yet so different. I am telling you TDog is going to send me right off the edge someday. Our day here starts at 6A.M. when I go upstairs to wake the boys up. I usually meet TanMan in the hallway and he goes with me off to the shower, gets dressed and eats breakfast. It is when I put TanMan in the shower that I start my dealings with TDog. I quietly go in his room, snuggle with him and try to wake him up and then 30 minutes later I am standing in his doorway screaming-yes, screaming for him to get up. Then he calmly slides out of bed and walks slow..so slow that if it were any slower he would be going backwards. Then he looks at what clothes I have picked out and says NO, that shirt is stupid. Arghh...OK-hurry up and get out of the shower and pick out your own clothes. Ten minutes later I go to check on him in the shower and there he lays-yes, lays, with the shower running on him. Who the heck lays down in the shower??? Finally, with 15 minutes left before the bus gets here, I shut the shower off and throw the towel on him. Walk away, because I am ready to snap. Go back in and there he stands wrapped in a towel. I yank the towel off and start drying him off-while he yells at me because he is cold. Then, I pretty much dress him, all except for the shirt which he still needs to decide on. I run up and start his breakfast, glance over as TanMan is sitting on the couch relaxing, watching cartoons. Get the oatmeal going, then run up and yell at TDog to hurry up, brush your teeth, comb your hair!!!! Oh, and then the running argument this morning is that TDog is NOT wearing his snow boots and there is no way on Gods earth that he is bringing his snow pants. Somewhere in all of this the MadScientist calls from work;

Him:"hi! How is it going?"
Me: "ohhhhh, your son is soooo lucky I haven't hurt him this morning"
Him: "Why? whats going on??"
Me: "Look, I have 2 minutes to get these boys out the door, TDog is too cool to wear boots or snow pants, no matter that we have fresh snow on the ground and more coming today and that it is 20 some degrees out there. I am not even going to think about how his teacher probably thinks I am a terrible Mother, sending him off to school with no winter gear. His project won't get done because he thinks I am so dumb as to believe it isn't supposed to come home and that all work is being done at school.
Him: "Oh, so what do you plan on getting done today?"
Me: (insert profanity here)I've gotta go...........



I am trying to remember why it is that I always thought that the Mad-Sci and I would sacrifice so many things to raise our children without daycare. I really don't miss the stuff I give up by staying home. Like, I can't remember when I last bought myself a new pair of jeans. Or that I don't have a decent winter coat except for that fancy one that I would wear to...to I don't know where. I have not been out with any of my friendsin ages-what friends I have left - since I devote my entire life to these two boys of mine. I don't even mind that my once elegant Christmas tree is now covered with construction paper and glitter. I don't mind being labeled as the meanest Mom ever because I won't allow an x-box or whatever the heck that thing is-even if my kids are the ONLY ones who don't have video games or cable t.v. and I don't mind that, the one bottle of wine I splurged on then drank half of a glass before I fell asleep, is sitting on my counter 3 weeks later going to waste. But as I sit here now, sipping my coffee...daycare...I could just drop the boys off, go off and have a life. It may be a life of work and a different type of stress....but man, the kid is only 8. What the heck am I going to do when he is 14???



And then there is the TanMan;
"Mom, would you cuddle with me on the couch?
or TDog: "Mom, will lay in bed with me and read?"


Funny, how when you are waddling around, growing these humans in your belly--No one tells you there will be days like these..........



Maybe the thing to do is to sit around all day in my pajamas, eating cookies and drinking my coffee, watching soap operas. Then when I come out of that fantasy I can wade through the mountain of laundry I have - no matter that I just did 4 loads yesterday. How can two little bodies generate all of that?? Then I can keep my shoes on all day because of the fear of losing a sock when I step on the kitchen floor that is sticky from who knows what. Then we can just eat off of the counter tops since the dirty dishes are there-they aren't going away. Maybe I should throw them all away. Save 4 plates, 4 cups and 4 forks-- maybe..ahhhh that list can go on and on....and now look what my fantasy has turned into. Sitting around watching soap operas....I can't really remember but I am pretty sure 10 years ago, when I had a fantasy, that was not it.

A Summer Day In Minnesota for TDog!

I just had to post this picture here. It is an all time favorite of mine. (And it is not even a picture I took.) This is from last summer and Thomas' 28 year old step brother took him fishing. This is the biggest fish TDog has ever caught! He came home telling us all about it but he left the fish with his brother. I of course, thought he was telling a fishermans story. It is in his blood-he can tell a tale when it comes to the size of the fish he catches. When I finally received this picture in an email last week I was pleasantly surprised. This may very well turn up framed and matted and under our Christmas tree this year!

Amazing Grace

And so it goes-the holiday season has arrived with a bang in my life.

I cooked and cleaned for 2 days preparing for Thanksgiving here at our new home. My own lil family and my oldest step-son and his family (girlfriend and their 4 young children) were our guests. Funny how you prepare for hours and hours for a meal that doesn't even last 30 minutes. It was a good dinner and it was with a full heart that I finally sat down to my table to share the holiday with our family. After dinner with 6 young kids(ages range from 2 - 8) running wild through the house we stepped outside. The kids were most excited about this part-the bon fire and roasting marshmallows. We went through 2 bags of marshmallow's and I believe a bag and half were stuck on our shoes. No one was hurt which is somewhat of a miracle in itself. That is a lot of kids to be surrounding a fire pit. The adult children were thinking that I was just about the lamest Mom around when I made everyone pull up a chair to sit around the fire and sing. Thanksgiving night was ending with us sitting by the fire and me leading my family in rounds of Christmas carols. The little kids enjoyed this and at the top of their little lungs sang along with me. The adult children joined in because I guess they just couldn't resist. I mean, how could they? As I sang and looked around at sticky marshmallow faces with giant smiles. Yes, it is my very own tradition I started this Thanksgiving and it brings joy thinking about the traditions my own parents gave me and now that has set me up to start new ones for my two sons and for my grandchildren. Our new neighbors are probably thinking we are nuts -I am sure our screaming voices could be heard carrying through the surrounding woods on a beautiful clear Thanksgiving night.

Now, my real Thanksgiving story starts here, two days before Thanksgiving. As I am running around at 6a.m. trying to get the boys ready for school the telephone rings. Panic-I hate those calls especially since my Dad's heart surgery and knowing that my Mother has been sick for the last 2 weeks. No, not that and so I breathe again...but it is my sister. As she begins talking I hear my niece who is 30 years old in the background, crying and moaning. We talk for a bit and my sister decides that she will be off to the emergency room with her daughter. I tell her to keep me posted and I am off running with my boys and not too concerned yet with my niece. Two hours later I get a call from my sis and she reports that blood has been drawn and she will call me as soon as she hears anything. About an hour later the phone rings, sis again and she sounds kind of mad. She begins with:

SIS: well, in a couple of hours your niece is going to have a baby

ME: (laughing) What????

SIS: How do you have a a person growing inside you and not know it?
ME: Are you serious?

SIS: Do you think this funny?

ME: I'm kind of in shock here...she is having a baby???

SIS: You think you are in shock....what am I going to do???

ME: wellllllll.....you are going to go be the nurse and Mom that you are and help her have that baby

SIS: o.k. easy for you- I'll call you back

Next Phone call comes a few hours later and my sister is crying so hard I almost throw up. "What happened?? Is she o.k.-is there a baby?" I shout. She reports that there is no baby yet but she is panicking. My sister is a public health nurse and she has seen the worst of the worst in new born babies who have had no prenatal care and mothers who have not taken care at all - even abused their little babies before they are born. I am listening to my sister and trying to breathe. "OK, I tell her you have to breathe..lets breathe together. That baby is fine-God has his hands on that baby, believe that it will be fine. DO NOT go anywhere else-just believe it is a healthy baby." My sister is now down to a quiet sob, "say it", I tell her "say that the baby is going to come out breathing strong and healthy". She squeaks it out and is a little calmer but I am pacing. I can't get to the hospital and I know my sister needs me. That was a horrible. In the middle of all of this my own Mother is trying to get a hold of my sister. Geeze, we don't need that right now-our parents health is very shaky right now. What are we going to do about that?? So I call to check up on my mom and dad, feel like I am deceiving them in a huge way but don't let them in on what is happening. They were o.k, my Mother was just calling to chat with my sister. (HAH, if she only knew)

At 5:13p.m. the phone call comes and this time it is my niece. The baby has arrived. Healthy and strong and it is a girl. I almost fall over from the relief. My sister and her other daughter coached my niece and she was able to deliver this little miracle. I ask my niece "you had no idea?" She tells me no and that she had never missed her monthly cycle the whole nine months and the docs say occasionally that happens. Yes, my niece carried this child to full term and never had a clue. Two days before she delivered this baby she was at my folks cleaning their carpets and then went home and climbed a ladder and got on the roof to clean the gutters out. She was never sick, she worked at her job the entire time. She also did not prepare for a baby, she did not take care of her body or her babies since she had no idea. But the Lord has blessed her and my niece is now the Mother of a healthy baby.

I drove to my folks house that night to let them know what had happened. I was very worried. My Dad is still recovering from open heart surgery. So on that 40 minute drive I worked on my speech and how I was going to break it to my folks without shocking them too much. In the end it didn't matter because as soon as I started my speech my Dad got impatient and said 'just what the hell are you trying to tell us?" lol they thought I was pregnant. So I finally just blurted it out. And lo and behold -they were happy!! Babies are blessing we agreed and our family has just grown another notch. In a day My mother, myself and my sister ran around buying everything that was needed to bring a new baby home....and on Thanksgiving Day..........

Grace Amanda came home........

Amazing Grace

To be a Mom

As I laid down late last Friday night, I thought today had to be one of the hardest (if not THE hardest day) of being a mom. Friday was the boys last day at their old school. Tanner was pumped and ready to move on. "I can't wait to meet new friends, go to recess and eat hot lunch!!" he told me. At the old school, he attended half the day, every day, which meant no recess, phy ed, or eating in the lunch room. The lil TanMan was excited and ran off so fast that we didn't even get a chance to say good bye to his teacher. He ran all the way down to T-Dogs class room where we were met by the class just leaving and heard their shouts of "Good Bye Thomas!" and "We'll miss you" and "Don't leave us Thomas!". I took one look at Thomas and the look in his eye told me I was in for a rough one here. His classmates all left and we headed into the classroom to pack up all of his things (3 grocery bags of things, in fact). Thomas sat at his desk then opened it and finally just broke down and the tears came. Tanner was shocked and then more shocked when I couldn't hold back my own tears. Thomas and I moved about gathering all of his stuff, both crying. My poor baby did not want to leave the room, and then finally composed himself to walk out through the hallway-but as soon as we were out the doors he cried so hard that I thought my heart was going to bust right open there in the parking lot at school. He cried all the way home and then went to his room. I went in to check on him and he sat on his bed with a pile of good bye cards that his classmates had made for him. He read and re-read each one and sobbed and sobbed. When he finally fell asleep with the cards piled next to him and I went in to check on him he was still sobbing in his sleep.

I had to work all day Saturday but I previously made plans for TDog to hang at one of his buddies house all day and over night. I didn't want him to just sit and think about Monday. Monday, for Thomas, was like a big, black, scary cloud coming at him-and I knew that. I had Sunday planned out as well. We were to be outside all day. I would rake the yard, get a bonfire going and let Thomas tend to it all day and burn a bunch of scrap wood we had around. No boy, not even a sad one, can resist a bonfire. We got outside by 10:00a.m.and didn't come in until 6. We ate dinner and then I knew it was coming. "I don't want to go to school tomorrow-I'm not going!" he announced to me. "Yes" I said "you are going and it will be fine". This turned into another crying session of him begging me not to make him go. "Can't I just go to my old school?" he cried. I stayed firm but laid in his bed with him until he couldn't stay awake any longer. It was 8:30p.m. and a record early bedtime for him. The fresh air and fire did the trick but I knew I was still in for a tough road in the morning.

I woke my boys this morning and Tanner jumped up, hopped in the shower and was dressed and ready to go an hour early. T-Dog woke up with "I am NOT going to school today!" which I ignored and said get up, get in the shower and then I proceeded to lift him out of bed, carry him to the shower and put him in. I waited 20 minutes went and turned off shower, lifted him out and started putting his clothes on him. He is 8 years old and weighs 60lbs. I am 44 years old and weigh 100lbs. I made him some breakfast, he ate and said "I am still hungry and I am NOT going to school". I just kept moving on - putting one foot in front of the other. My heart is broken and I am feeling like the worlds worst mom already-Friday's episode has not left my head yet. But I know there just isn't another option and if I am screwing up my child's life I cannot back track now. I have to stay positive, stay strong and absolutely NO TEARS from me. I finally walk out the door with Tanner to go to the car and tell Thomas to get out there but leaving him alone. To my surprise he follows. Hmmm I think, maybe this won't be so bad. Although I am still hearing "I am NOT going to school" from the back seat (Tanner is busy practising his letters as we drive along). The closer we get to school, I can feel the fear coming from the back seat as I hear "I AM NOT GOING!" Or it might be my car seat shaking that I felt since he was kicking it as he yelled at me.

We get to school and I open his door-he climbs into the front seat.
Thomas: "NO! I'm not going"
Mom: "yes you have to go and I promise it is all going to be fine"
Thomas: : "NOOO"
( I am fully aware that the kid is scared half to death and is doing everything in his power to not cry)
Mom: "you need to get out right now or I'll have to go in and have somebody come out and bring you in" (a lie but push THAT guilt out)

Finally he gets out and we begin the walk inside. As we walk he is hitting my arm and this is what I heard over and over:
"I hate you. You are the worst Mom ever. I hate you. I wish you weren't my Mom. I hate you. You are the worst Mom ever. I hate you. I wish you weren't my Mom."

"Ok" I say, I still love you and wouldn't make you do this if I knew it wouldn't all be OK. I'm sad that you wish you had a different Mom but you still need to go to school". (Big ass crack in my heart-or whats left of it anyway-)

Then we get to his classroom and he sits in a chair outside the room. I am looking around-trying to figure my next move when the new teacher comes out.

Teacher: Good Morning, can you hear how excited all the kids are to meet you Thomas?
Thomas: glares at Mom
Teacher: well c'mon in, everyone is waiting
Thomas: glares at Mom
Mom: Here is his back pack-everything he needs is in there. Except, shoot I forgot his day planner
Teacher: you forgot his day planner???
Thomas: I am not going
Mom: Good bye, I love you......(look at teacher but can't hold tears back any more and walk away.

When I am about 50 yards away I dare to look back and Thomas is looking at me with 'how could you do this to me?', I am sobbing and Tanner is now late for his first day. We race through the buildings to get to Tan Mans class where he calmly turns around says, "Bye Mom" and walks away. I am next found in the office, half crying as the office ladies are chuckling and telling me I have done the right thing. It is just that hump we needed to get over. That may be so but please call the class room and see if everything is o.k. The lady smiles but makes the call and reports back that all is well and that Thomas is already interacting with the other kids. Probably a lie-I don't know but I'll be back because I am turning around and going home for the day planner. On that drive I call the mad scientist and tell him....well...I don't think I want an R rating on this entry-so you can imagine that he got an earful today....


So now as I sit here in my quiet home - all alone...and do nothing but WORRY...and miss my kids I have decided that yes, this is the hardest day ever for me in being a Mom. Geeesh, I am in trouble once they reach the teen years.

After delivering 2 - 9 pound plus babies who would have thought...that was the easy part.

Here I am again-twice in two days. Maybe I could have been having Internet withdrawals-since I went almost 3 weeks with out my beloved computer. Who knows - or cares but here I go anyway..............

OK, so lots of journaling is done about what individuals are grateful for or how they are blessed. Well, me being.............well ---- me, here is my version:

Things that totally tick me off....

1. Gas prices. Yesterday I paid $1.74 for a gallon of gas. WTH?? Honestly, the cost of filling my car drops in half and the local news reports that but not why???!!! The news also does not report that the guys at the head of the fuel cost issues are going to jail-which is where they should be-and then their bank accounts should be disbursed to feed the starving-or something. I wonder how do those people sleep at night.
(This is a rant post-if you want politically correct and accuracy of terms you better click off right now!)

2. Guys in big 4 wheel drive trucks who swerve in and out of traffic creating all kinds of hazards just to get ahead of the next guy. Although they passed me miles back, when I reach the stop light-there they are sitting next tome waiting on the same light.

3. Crying. You know, I consider myself a pretty strong individual. I have been through some truly crappy times and I survive. I can lift one end of a 3000lb couch and carry it outdoors to a truck. I can carry boxes that must weigh 400lbs each and then carry them again and then unpack them and put all that junk away. I can arrange and organize a whole household-alone with two little boys following me around ("why???MOM??Whyyyy can't we go play at McDonalds playland?? WHYYYYY Can't we have friends sleep over tonight??WHYYY? MOM???WHYY???). So when the kindergarten teacher says "hold on a minute I want to give you something" and then hands me photo's of my little TanMan at school throughout the year-starting with day one of his education; why is it that I lose it and bust out crying in front of a whole room of kindergartners. Go to office to have T-DOG pulled out of class, cry some more when secretaries ask how the transition is going. (I had 3 other office workers in tears before I walked out of there). Then drive Thomas to his new school to meet the new teacher. Spend the 30 minute commute trying to compose myself when all I want to do is pull over and cry. I then enter the new classroom with my very brave 8 year old son and Mrs. New Teacher says; "My class is very excited to have you Thomas, in fact look what we have for you" and then hands us a whole pile of handmade greeting cards welcoming my son to his new school. ME? Of course-I cry again. Mrs. Teacher looks at me like I am nuts. I don't know-maybe I am.

4. Car washes that cost me 8 bucks and after driving through and all the way home, smiling because I feel all shiny and new. Then get out of car, turn around to admire shiny car and see that 8 bucks got only the top layer of grime off.

5. Snack bags. Three times now I have been to Walmart to get sandwich bags. Ziplock sandwich bags. Three times I have managed to come home with snack bags which are about a quarter of the size of a sandwich bag. Two oreo cookies fit in the dang thing. Who sends two oreo cookies anywhere??

6. Internet tech guys who help you get back on line but have a heavy accent and make me say"whattt??" a thousand times before I am up and running. No more explanation needed here.

7. Utility companies. Why do I have to call Colorado, speak with foreign sounding guy, all to get billing in my name when I live in Minnesota? (This probably should have been lumped with #6)

8. I have nurtured, fed and clothed my children since their very first breath. So why is it that now I know nothing. Why is it that they are sooooooooooo much more fashionable than me. Do they not know that the great taste they have developed in clothing and hair styles is all totally thanks to, who else?? MOM!!! Gosh.....think about it boys......
Someday when you have children of your own is running through my mind here. Please make that stop. lol


9. People who are insistent about picking apart my grammar, spelling and writing ability. This is for me-read it if you like but excuse the mess I make of it. I am a busy woman. I am busy teaching my 5 year old the 100 sight words he needs to know by the end of this school year. Not only that, I am busy studying spelling words , explaining what a verb is and now multiplication to an 8 year old.

LOL
How scary is that???????

A quick update

Here I am. I am alive and well-tired but I am here. I survived yet another move-which really is a pain in the rear end. I was able to move our entire lives except for the heavy stuff (furniture anyway-the heavy junk sticks to me like glue) by myself while the mad scientist was at work and the kids were in school. I am now 30 minutes further from my folks, which makes them sad and makes me drive a whole lot more. My Dad is doing pretty well-he is doing rehab now and is building his strength back up. My Mother has been ill though and that has created a whole other set of worries. Does it never end?

I did not quit my post office job - yet. I had planned to and still plan on quitting. I hate quitting-quitting is such a negative word. I was all ready to "part ways" and then thought about the week I had agreed to work and the $ it would mean right after a move. Moving is just not cheap and there is Christmas looming up ahead at me. The cart before the horse.

The mad-scientist has invited 10 or so people here for Thanksgiving-which sadly means I wont be spending it with my own family. I do see my folks almost daily though and they are very understanding about it. I am trying to be happy about the Thanksgiving plans that were made without any consideration of my feelings-since there is that next holiday coming and I will be without any doubt spending that at my folks as I have for my entire life. Giving up Thanksgiving for Christmas is an o.k. trade. All things are relative.

I am busy driving a 40 mile round trip back to the boys school. I haven't made the switch yet with them. T-Dog is pretty nervous about starting at a new school and that makes me sad. I know he will do o.k.-better than I would. I have to keep telling myself this is not me-it is my outgoing little boy who makes friends easily. TanMan is very excited about the new school-at age 5 anything new is a exciting adventure I suppose. I agreed to one more week at the old school so T-Dog could go on a field trip with his class. He had been looking forward to it for weeks and I couldn't just say - 'oops sorry, even though you have been planning and looking forward to that-it won't happen'. So....this week is it and it is worth it. The field trip was yesterday and when Thomas got in the car after school his exact words were..."the field trip was awesome!"


It took me almost two weeks to find the time to unpack my computer and then get all the new DSL junk all set up...If I gotta be married to the mad scientist it sure would be nice if he could do computers...but nope-that is way out of his realm. He can run the phone lines but that is it...so after nearly yanking all the hair out of my head last night-here I am today with hundreds of journals to catch up on.......

"I will act now. I will act now. I will act now. Henceforth, I will repeat these words each hour, each day, everyday, until the words become as much a habit as my breathing, and the action which follows becomes as instinctive as the blinking of my eyelids. With these words I can condition my mind to perform every action necessary for my success. I will act now. I will repeat these words again and again and again. I will walk where failures fear to walk. I will work when failures seek rest. I will act now for now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labour of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure. I will act now. Success will not wait. If I delay, success will become wed to another and lost to me forever. This is the time. This is the place. I am the person."
Og Mandino

Oh, life, it is a-changing for me again. I am having to quit my job at the post office. That whole thing is not working out for me. This became clear when I was forced to leave my route, pick my kids up at daycare and then leave them home alone while I finished work. I could have threw up that day. The mad-sci talked to them on the phone almost the whole time they were alone but still..."failure" was all I could think, I was failing as a mom....so I made the choice and although the money is good my children's welfare and my mental health win this battle.

Last week the mad-sci went off on his own and bought a house! Yeah, I know-is he nuts??? Well, it was good for a week long huge battle between us. Then when he finally got me to go look at the house-I liked it! Man, I hate when that happens. So, yep, yet another move, new schools and a whole lot of packing has to happen. And somewhere I need to find the get up and go to do that. The new house is o.k -a house is a house and over the years I have learned as long as there is a roof and it is warm it will work. What sold me and made me have to eat my words was the land. Seven acres all heavily wooded. We are back up in the woods where we belong-my boys act like different kids when the get in the woods.

My Dad is doing o.k. -wish I could report that he is doing great but it is a slow recovery. I believe there is some depression going on with him- the docs say that is totally normal after this type of surgery. It still scares me though and my greatest fear is still losing my Dad. Since the surgery my Mother has come down with some sort of infection in her colon-so far manageable but could turn serious. Pray and more praying.....

Tonight I will be attending a funeral. My nephews buddy who was 29 years old hung himself. I can barely even type that. When my nephew and his buddies were all just out of high school, my home became their hang out. They are all good kids and it breaks my heart to know one of them felt there was no other way than the path he chose. Today I am trying to build myself up to be strong for all of those boys. None of them have really had to deal with death and certainly never in this form. My nephew is giving the eulogy and my sister and I are just wondering how the heck we are going to keep ourselves together for that. Gosh, being an adult just never gets any easier...

Doc says my knee doesn't need surgery-some kind of cyst or some dang thing causing all the pain..what the heck is with that?? I would know except for the doc didn't have time to call and the nurse who was not a barrel of information called with the report. I only heard 'no surgery' and didn't really care about the rest-although I may soon re-visit this if the pain doesn't get any better. Next up in this dragging body of mine is the stupid hysterectomy the other docs say it very necessary.

Damn, I hate surgery...I hate moving and I hate funerals........

what a day...

Here I sit, looking at the gray skies, wondering; o.k. God, watcha got for me today?

My two lil angels, T-Dog and TanMan just about pushed me over the edge yesterday. Geesh, is it really necessary to pound on each other like they do? I usually just sit back and watch them because it all kind of surprises me and honestly, I really don't know what to do at that point. They are tackling each other, kicking, hitting, tickling, half crying and then half laughing. I dunno, must be a boy thing or something. I do get very nervous when I think of them being teenagers and this kind of stuff happening. T-Dog is almost as tall as me right now-I feel my ground falling away here - really fast too!

I have felt for a while that they are growing so fast and keep wondering if I am losing control here. They know how to push my buttons and they know I am a pushover-as their father, the mad scientist keeps reminding me. Yesterday while shopping (the trip I promised all week for the Halloween costume), T-Dog and I were arguing. Or-I was trying to reason and he didn't like my reason. I absolutely hate shopping at Target or Walmart and buying a costume. I tried to tell him that every other kid at school will have the same one. Wouldn't it be way more fun to create our own at home and come up with something really cool - put together by none other than MOM???? I was standing firm here...trying to get him off all that commercial b.s. stuff that kids come to expect now days. Looking back, I don't think my folks ever once even thought about buying our costumes when we were kids. We always, always made them ourselves. You know, when it was cool to be a bum-the kind with a stick and bandanna tied at the end. Or a hippy...lol gosh those were the days-and no one ever, ever had identical costumes. And you know why?? because we all used our own little minds to design the costume. No, we didn't have 25 StarWars get ups running around school, no pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, that reminds me, I have 3 older sisters and they took great fun in designing my costumes. The Shirley Temple story and Puss In Boots story will be saved for a later date (ugh, how could they do that stuff to me??)

Anyway, I have rambled way off the subject, once again. Yesterday after arguing for a good 30 minutes over why I didn't want to pay 20 bucks for a mask for each of my children and then 24.99 for a black scary looking gown - T-dog just lost it. Stomped off and turned back and said; "fine, if your going to be a jerk" and didn't quite finish whatever else was going to come out of that mouth of his - I threw down the few items I had already planned to buy right where I stood and said "fine, we're out of here, get in the car!" (wondering now how many moms looked on) I looked back once and both of my lil angels were standing with their mouths hanging open-and out I marched! T-Dog followed with his mask and black scary gown-running to keep up, TanMan was running already. Apparently all of the times I have warned them to stay close because of the bad guys out there worked-because as I stomped along they kept up. T-Dog still thought I was buying his selection when I hit the registers and walked right through. He was panicking and I was...well, TICKED!!! I went to the car, ordered them to get in and get their seat belts on, which they did in record time. As I started the car and backed up they still thought I was going to turn around and go buy them what they wanted. This all turned into both of them crying and begging and pleading and saying they were sorry. Then when they found I wasn't going back I heard a couple of "I'm running away's" and "I wish I had a different mom". Wrong thing to say at this point boys because they got a "yeah, you're going to wish that even more on Halloween when you are sitting home and no costume at all". Silence from the back seat. Guess I made my point. Oh, the times they are a changing here-those babies of mine are no longer babies and geesh-I have to get in control here. How I long for those long nights of infants screaming their lil heads off all night long, pacing the floors with sick, screaming babies.. It appears now that is just about the easiest time of the Motherhood thing-the time when your little offspring can't talk back!!

So all of this happened at the end of my day. The first part of the day had me at the docs office-having a M.R.I. on my knee. Good Lord, Miss Doctor thinks I tore the meniscus or tendons in my knee. So I've limped around for a little over 6 weeks now thinking it would go away and it was just a little 'creak" in my bones as I age. Not so easy, woman-life does not happen that way. After the physical examination and the doc reporting to me what she thinks is wrong, I was stunned; "I don't have time for that!" sly little smile from doc...ugh off to the M.R.I. I went. No results yet.......who knew delivering mail could be so dangerous. Yes, I twisted my knee while trying to keep my foot on the brake and stretching out the window to reach some mailbox that was way too high. Treatment for any of the things that they are guessing about my knee is not what I want to hear. I will not think about that until I know for sure. Yes, it could just be a strain too.(crossing fingers, toes and legs)

As I was dressing after the M.R.I my cell phone is ringing. What in the world I thought?? No one ever calls me, except my mom and the mad-sci and both know where I am. Answer the phone to hear my sister. Now I know my sisters well and I know when something is wrong and they are trying to be calm and not get me worked up. "Nooo" it's my Dad and he is the emergency room. I am to meet my niece who will take T-Dog and TanMan and then get to hospital. I left the nurses at the clinic with their mouths hinging open as they shouted "drive careful!", next I left my boys standing in McDonald's parking lot with their little Happy Meals in hand next to their car seats with my niece ordering; "just go, I've got it!". As I drove 80 miles an hour to the hospital, praying 'please. please, don't let this be the day' another ring from my phone. A different sis this time. Everything is under control, he is o.k., slow down. Geez is it no wonder I keep my filthy smoking habit??

Upon arriving at the E.R. the receptionists gives my my lil sticker and directs me to my dad but says "there is already a couple of people back there, you'll need to send someone out". I looked at her smiled, said "ya think? You go tell someone to leave. Besides that, I think there is one more sister who hasn't arrived." I must have had a "look" in my eye because she backed down. The last of my sisters to arrive reported she had the same conversation. No one made any of us leave as the four of us along with my Mother stood with our Dad.

It seems a doc of my Dad's prescribed an additional lacik (sp?) pill. I sure do wish the docs communicated better. My Dad was just beginning his first physical therapy session when he turned white, broke out in a sweat and his blood pressure dropped to a level I didn't know was possible. My poor Mother. One of the few times we have let them go to an appointment alone. My Mother had to run behind the gurney as they pushed my Dad from the heart center physical therapy area to the emergency room.. They wasted no time and we are all very thankful he was already at the hospital and not at home for this. My Dad was dehydrated from being over prescribed the water pills. My sisters and I all gave each other "the look" as they tried to explain that a lot of times there is some "tweaking" that needs to go on after heart surgery. Yeah, well lets just get it right-this is MY DAD for cripes sake!!

Today I am a little bit afraid to leave the house or answer the phone. And that isn't even the worst of it, to prove a point, I need to come up with 2 really cool costumes that I will be capable of making at home. And yes, I happen to be the least crafty or artistic person I know.

and life & death

These are my daughters, I suppose.But where in the world did the children vanish?
~Phyllis McGinley, "Ballad of Lost Objects," 1954



It has been just over a week since my Dad's surgery. He had a triple bypass and the valve replacement was not done-docs didn't want to put him through that much more risk. I am so relieved to have that part over and now we are on to recovery. Not easy for a stubborn ole (almost) 76 year old guy. This isn't just any guy, it is my Dad and he is tough. Tough, as in "no, I don't need pain meds" (after my chest has been cracked open). And "no, I'm not getting out of my damn chair to walk on the treadmill, I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready" tough.

So far, I think, my 3 sisters and I are basically just driving him nuts. He scowls at us when we question him about his medication, his exercise and his diet. But man, he was laying there knocked out when the docs came out of surgery to give us the report. He didn't have to walk in the room and see himself with a tube down his throat and a machine breathing for him. He wasn't aware that a whole day had went by that my mother and us four girls paced the floors of the hospital. It was scary and I hated it.

I suppose I am being selfish in getting on his butt all the time to do the only things the doctors have said will make a difference in him living. They have done what they can but there was much more calcification in all of his arteries than we knew until they actually got in and could see it. So not what we were hoping for. We all had this idea that he would have this surgery and feel so much better and all of our lives would go happily on. And I believe they will, for how long we do not know. The only thing we do know is that he needs to be on a strict diet and exercise to prevent any further damage. And then pray like a crazy woman that my Dad is able to stick around for a long while yet. I keep thinking to myself, how will I be a Mom without my Dad?

So many things I have been forced to face in the last week. I have broke down, I have stomped around (much in the fashion my Dad would) mad as hell, I have made deals with myself and the big guy upstairs. All of this to come to the realization that my folks are not going to live forever. Seems silly as I write it here now-like what did I think?? But facing it all is so hard. Thinking about if we lose one of them how will we take care of the other. How will I take care of my own children when the time actually does come? I know, this is a pretty "black" thing to write about...but maybe I will go just an hour today without thinking about all of it if I write it and get it out of me.

The last few days I have been just staying as busy as I can. I have been making heart healthy meals, heart healthy treats and running errands or sitting with my Dad so my Mom can get out for a bit. And then I come home, take care of my own little family, then go to bed and lay awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to not think about the "what ifs". I'm exhausted-and it isn't just me-I have 3 other sisters who are in exactly the same boat as me. And all the while we are trying to come to terms with the fact that no one lives forever and in doing that, we are driving my mom and dad nuts. LOL I know for sure at least one time over the last week, they just wanted to say, 'would you all just go home and let us have some peace and quiet for a while??'

I put the TanMan on the bus at 1p.m. in the afternoon and then hop in my car to go to my folks. (Unless I make two trips and jump in the car after TDog catches the bus in the morning and run home for the next bus, then run back there) Then I check out the record keeping on the forms my sisters have made for my Dad to keep track of his medication, his weight, blood pressure and exercise times, check for swelling, check out his incision, do the dishes ,tell him for the hundredth time to get his feet up on the pillows and to blow(or suck I can never remember) into his breathing machine thingee (obviously I am not the one with medical training in my family). I then hand my Dad his pain meds because he is invariably overdue for it. He just shakes his head and takes it from me. Guess he has learned he can't win. No matter how tough he is - his four daughters are tougher... as long as when I walk in the house, he is sitting in his chair where I expect, I am soooo tough ........now, if I can just get past having to run over there to make sure that is where he is.

yet another milestone

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be
the source of your joy.
— Thich Nhat Hanh

When I first started journaling I thought it would be a good way to save all the cute little things my boys say and also the milestones in our lives. This last week we had one of those moments and here it is......

First off since the mad scientist has made it through his probation period at his job we now have health insurance!! What a feature in life! We have went a good two years without insurance and probably saved a lot of money since we are basically healthy. A few trips to the doc for the boys for this and that which required cash payments but we managed. Now, however, since we have insurance I have put myself in line for a major overhaul. Starting with my eyes, because being able to see and read is pretty important. Driving was getting to be a challenge because I need glasses to see far away-and I had those. But I couldn't read the dash board unless I took my glasses off to look there. Driving 70 on a highway it gets pretty dangerous when one is fumbling around with eye glasses. Not only that, with my new job delivering mail, well, you can imagine how that was going. So off to the eye doc I went....the Doc says I have healthy eyes but he sure wouldn't let his kids ride with me and he is glad I don't deliver his mail. hmmmmmm "so, I wasn't just imagining this stuff huh?"

BIFOCALS!!! I have reached the stage!!! Getting used to these bifocals has been interesting too- I have lost count of how many curbs I have stumbled up and down. At the top of a flight of stairs it is enough to give you motion sickness. No falls down any stairs but I do have a firm grip on the rail when going down. I know have a new range of motion with my neck too. Look up, look down-where the heck is the sweet spot of these glasses again?? Gosh getting old is great fun.

So, the next step is off to have the wrinkles pulled out of my face; the dreaded but much necessary mammogram!! And if gyn doc even insinuates the beginning of menopause-I'm headed for the hills!!!! Someone stop this train I want to get off!!!


Note: My Dads open heart surgery is scheduled for Tuesday the 7th of October. A triple bypass and valve replacement. Prayers much appreciated!!!!

To fix a problem

Alright, I may have found the issue of why people cannot "follow" me. Seems having quotation marks and a question mark in the title may have been the problem. Guess we'll find out.

Change is good right?
Ugh stupid AOL.............but here I am anyway.