Christmas

I survived, I made it -and it is almost over. Today I feel like a gumby doll and have not accomplished much at all except keeping my favorite chair warm. It was a different holiday for us this year. The Mad-Sci worked on Christmas eve so he was not with us at my folks house. This made him the only missing member of our family - and no, my Mother was not to happy. But he made great money and points with the boss. Christmas day was a quiet day at home with just the four of us-and I have to say I enjoyed it! I still made a big Christmas dinner, I just didn't have as much or as large of a variety. Not that it matters anyway because the boys diet yesterday consisted mostly of candy anyway. What is Santa thinking leaving that in their stockings? (Santa is thinking: shoot, I am almost out of time and ideas so if I throw this new toothbrush in it won't be so bad!)

I also gave in and we got the boys a Wii system. That has been hilarious around here and today my arms are actually stiff. My folks came to visit today and it was great to see my Dad up and moving. In his younger days he was a golden glove boxer and even though he has aged-lots - it was good to see his old moves. He also spent a lot of time with T Dog playing golf. My mother did some bowling... once she figured out how. This is the first video game I have allowed my boys to have and their eyes almost fell out of their heads when they opened it. So worth the moment and I of course was crying as usual. Yeah, they think I'm old and lame.

Christmas Eve was spent at my folks home-the house where I grew up. My family is getting quite large now that we have started adding the next generation of spouses and girl/boy friend's and great grand children too. Over 40 of us now in that 3 bedroom rambler. We all squish in there, have a huge buffet dinner and then sit down to sing. This is my favorite part of Christmas. We turn the lights off, everyone finds a place around the tree and we get our old worn Christmas caroling books out. We have 28 songs to sing and have had this tradition for over 25 years. Seems strange I can have a tradition that is over 25 years old. It is a cool thing to glance around the room and know we are all family and that most of the kids have grown up with this. Makes me cry every year (big surprise).

We started this when the first grandchildren came along. My sister's wanted their kids to have something besides opening gifts as a memory. No gifts til you sing is the rule. Kids the age that my kids are now hate it. But the kids who have grown up with this appreciate it and wouldn't miss it. Hard to explain the feeling when you glance around and there are my 70 some year old parents and then look over to their 4 week old great grand daughter. Not only that, the kids in between can sing! They sound so good, my 3 sister's and I often wonder where they got that-since none of us can carry a tune.

So we sing Christmas carols, sing Happy Birthday Jesus and blow out the candles on the special Jesus birthday cake, then flip the lights on and the madness begins. Paper flies, kids cry, kids shout with joy and Mom's sneak sips of wine! Then I load up my car and wonder how in the world do these kids of mine get so spoiled!! My sisters and I do most of the work now because my folks are just too over whelmed by all of this. That is a lot of people to invade your usually quiet space.

Yes, we are a blessed family and I am grateful. Another year we are all able to be together. Another year I survived and am glad it is done. Or almost done, Saturday means celebrating with the Mad-Sci's children. Another dinner I'll make and I'll have my own houseful of little kids. But way less stress for me and all of the kids.

Hope everyone has had a joyous holiday and best wishes in the coming year...

Christmas upadte...

...........and the season continues on. Even if I would prefer to stay in bed and pull the covers up over me. But no, these two little boys of mine would never allow that and I would never do that to them. So even though I am way stressed, I am keeping up with our tradition. Today we started preparing our fourth and last holiday cookie for this year. The frosted cut out cookies. ARgh...flour, dough and soon frosting will be from one end of the house to the other. TanMan and I did the cut out and baking part and when TDog gets home today we will finish off the frosting and decorating. Funny, it is so important to me to keep this tradition up because every year it is the same thing. The boys start out with gusto-which causes the flour and sugar to fly and then about half way through they have had enough and there I sit finishing by myself. Oh well.....some day they better remember and tell their own children how we did this. Today TanMan insisted on putting my Christmas music on while we worked. I even enjoyed it and we sang along as we mixed, rolled and cut out 8 dozen cookies - about half of what I usually do.

I am like a rat. If I can find a hole, no matter how small, I'll squeeze through it. And that is just how my Christmas shopping is coming along. I am managing it and it is even working out for me. I've got a plan in my head, writing it down would be all to easy so I just keep it running through my head. Yes, I wake up at 2 a.m. as it all rolls through my head again. I can't wait until the day after Christmas. That is the day in which I really celebrate - by sitting in my chair in my pajamas the entire day watching the kids play and then yelling at them because by 10a.m. they will be bored. Won't matter that the whole house is scattered with new Christmas toys...and THAT is how I am keeping my shopping in check. Kids just get way to much stuff now days-and really I don't think they care what it is once they rip the paper off.

I have my Christmas dinner planned, all of the adult children and grandchildren will be here and I am going down a new path for my dinner. Usually I make all the traditional dinner stuff-but we have all of these little kids who really don't care what it is. We will be having mac & cheese with a big ole ham and 2 or 3 different colors of jello with some fruit thrown in. I am even going to splurge and do the mac&cheese homemade. I figured Christmas is worth more then ripping open the Kraft box. Anybody out there with a good mac & cheese recipe would be much appreciated!

another Christmas

Eight days til Christmas. Some year, because I have hope, I will have a Christmas where I can actually enjoy and celebrate the reason. Today I am reminding myself over and over what this season really is. It isn't easy. I made a crucial mistake in my banking and ~poof~ all of my Christmas funds are gone!! I have barely begun shopping for the boys and right now, today I do not know how I will make it happen. They, of course, have no idea and are just little boys jumping with excitement. It isn't easy keeping all of this from the two of them. I keep smiling, I help out when they want to make a special Christmas craft for their Grandmother. I smile as I mix up yet another batch of holiday sweets.

I feel as though I am beaten down. I really thought last year was going to be it as far as stressing out over the whole Santa Claus thing. But nope, here I am once again in the same damn boat - or sleigh I suppose. I know I always manage to pull it off but man, I am tired of doing that. I know there is probably some message being sent to me in all of this. I know what the true meaning of Christmas is and that I should be rejoicing. I also have always believed that the Lord never gives one more than they can handle. But dangitt, I don't want to handle this again. I don't want to be out on the day before Christmas trying to figure a way to make my boys smile on Christmas morning. I want it to be easy. I want it to just flow....it never does though.

Negativity. Yep, I've got an extreme case of it. I look at the huge list of Christmas wishes my boys have posted on the refrigerator and I want to throw up. My head is pounding, probably from stress. My stomach is a knot. I am ticked off at myself that I made a stupid mistake and caused all of this. Usually I can usually just nag on the Mad Sci because it is his fault. Not this year. It is my own damn fault.

I have a trillion excuses too. I have been running the boys to their dental appointments, working on school projects, building snowmen to keep the boys occupied, running them to basketball......I don't know, none of them are good enough but there they are. I have never been perfect, never will be and now I have to fight my way out of this latest error of mine.

At times like this I always think of a good friend and former boss of mine and how he describes me. It goes like this: "You can find the most difficult position, and I would think there is no way out and then you find the way'. Yeah well, I am sick of that too. Why can't life just go easy. I don't expect it to be easy all the time but just once in my adult life is it too much to ask for a Christmas that I can smile, breathe and enjoy.

I know I have much to be thankful for. I have two awesome little boys who are happy, healthy and have bright shiny white smiles. I have both my Mom and Dad here to celebrate with and my sisters and their families. This year the entire family will be together including a brand new baby -a miracle baby no less! The Mad Sci and I will be celebrating 15 years of marriage on December 31. And that always makes me laugh-if we make it through the holiday season we get to celebrate another year together. Yippee another year-lets do it again for another 365 days-next Christmas will be different. And then...it never is....

The worst thing about all of this is that I really don't want the people who care about me to know how much stress I am under. I don't want them to know how bad I messed up. I don't want them to see the miracle I am going to pull off to see my boys smile on Christmas morning. So I go along, keep it all to myself, smile and pretend the world is a grand place and hand them a cookie!

"When you arise in the morning,think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love...."
Marcus Aurelius

I "arose" several times throughout the night, so here I am bright and early. You know, the saying that once you have children you will never get a full nights sleep again? That sure is proving to be true for me. If my children do manage to sleep the entire night through - in their own bed, then I wake up on some alarm clock that has been embedded in my brain the day I gave birth. Yes, I still wake up for the 3a.m. feedings. Last night however, TanMan was up and down all night. I am not sure why and from what I gathered from him, neither did he. So he crawls in our bed and I wait for him to fall asleep and then I venture off to his bed. Three in a bed does not work well anymore, so I have learned to just search out the first available, empty bed. Then they find me there. I think my kids have radar. Wherever I am they find me even if they are in some stage of sleep. Oh well, I have been told that someday I will miss that. It is true, there is nothing better than snuggling with those babies.

Here it is, 14 days before Christmas. I think that is what I read somewhere here. Which would explain the funk I am in. I wonder how old will I be when I can sit back and just enjoy the season for what it is meant to be. Now, it is just stress and worry for me. (Thanks Mom, for passing that little gene on to me!) I try really hard to stay positive, and this year the holidays are looking better than they have in the past. But I hate that it all comes down to worrying about finances. Watching the excitement in my boys almost keeps my mood above the dreaded disaster line of moods. Then they start acting like little animals, which is caused from all of the excitement of the upcoming events. It is such a double edged sword. My heart fills up to see the little guys all excited with so much hope and anticipation building as we get closer and closer. Then, I take them into a store and they behave totally out of control and out of character. That's when I stand there looking at them in amazement and - pretend they aren't mine!

Yesterday I spent half of the day out shopping. No, not Christmas shopping-I haven't even started that whole ordeal yet. No, I was shopping for snow boots for the boys. I know I waited a little bit late into the season but still, it is only the 2nd week in December. Wouldn't you think that the stores would keep the shelves stocked with boots? Geeesh, I was at 4 different stores before I found boots. It was a good thing too because at the beginning of the shopping day when TanMan and I walked into the first store, he trailing behind me, all I heard was CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP. I turn back and look and the kid is wearing boots that are obviously wayyyyyyy too big. I pull off a boot and look, it is a size 3! TanMan wears size 12, making the boots he is wearing four sizes to big. UGH...failure as a Mom is buzzing in my head. This only makes the need for new boots greater and as I go from store to store the panic in me is rising. So of course, my cell phone rings - and it is my Mother!! She wants to know why I sound so crabby! Well, let me tell you Mom, and I explain the boot size issue and she quickly starts in with a lecture about how could I have let that happen? I have been sending the child to school in those boots. She then asks if I have checked TDogs boots and if maybe that is the reason he is throwing such a big stink about wearing boots? OK, I did not need this now but Mom says to meet her at the store by her house, she is sure they have boots and plus I can then use her senior discount. I am all for discounts, especially this month. So we meet and as we stand in front of the boots-yep, Kohl's has snow boots still, I pull off TanMans boot again and check the size. Hmmmm, size 2....well what in the world, and I pull off the other boot. Size 3! The kid is wearing two different size boots and my Mother is there to witness it. arghhhhhh...there is that failure thing swimming around my head again. My Mother asks; "how could you"?

I just moved my entire household and the majority of the move I did alone while the Mad Scientist was at work. He moved the heavy stuff. I've been busy and occupied with getting schools changed, address changes and the whole load of business that happens when you move. I have an excuse for my neglect, really!

Anyway, I find both the boys boots-tell the guy at checkout to double check and make sure I have matching pairs. Because at this point I am thinking anything is possible and if there is a screw up to be made-I am going to make it. He looks at me like I fell off of a different planet. My mother shakes her head and continues on with her purchase of 2 Christmas mugs ($9 each) and a $14.00 canister of hot chocolate - for my boys. I couldn't resist looking over at her and comment - and you wonder how they get so spoiled?? Fourteen dollars for hot chocolate the stuff better have gold floating in it! The sales guy says that's what grandmas are for. I calmly tell him to not defend her-and she smugly walks off.

I drove home while the thoughts of TDog and if he was going to pitch a fit over the boots I purchased for him? Right now, anything is possible from that child. I am trying to be patient with him. I have upset his whole little world with this move. He has made major changes -major in the life of an 8 year old anyway. I know he picks up on my stress-and he is a worrier. As soon as he is old enough I'll explain that it is his grandmothers fault he is like that Not mine. If everything is always Moms fault-I am using it too-sorry Mom...that's just the way the ball bounces......plus making points with fourteen dollar hot chocolate, after I have forgot the last 2 times when grocery shopping to buy the $1.98 just add hot water kind ---paybacks mom, paybacks.....we all pay!

There that feels a little better. Now I just need the patience and strength to get through the next two weeks Oh and I also need a windfall of cashola to get through it too..cuz my boys have a Santa list a mile long. Now, I wonder who I can blame for the greedy gene they have going on...that probably comes from their Dad's side!! LOLOL

Good Lord....it is a Monday for sure. I find it interesting that I can have two children who are so much alike in many ways and yet so different. I am telling you TDog is going to send me right off the edge someday. Our day here starts at 6A.M. when I go upstairs to wake the boys up. I usually meet TanMan in the hallway and he goes with me off to the shower, gets dressed and eats breakfast. It is when I put TanMan in the shower that I start my dealings with TDog. I quietly go in his room, snuggle with him and try to wake him up and then 30 minutes later I am standing in his doorway screaming-yes, screaming for him to get up. Then he calmly slides out of bed and walks slow..so slow that if it were any slower he would be going backwards. Then he looks at what clothes I have picked out and says NO, that shirt is stupid. Arghh...OK-hurry up and get out of the shower and pick out your own clothes. Ten minutes later I go to check on him in the shower and there he lays-yes, lays, with the shower running on him. Who the heck lays down in the shower??? Finally, with 15 minutes left before the bus gets here, I shut the shower off and throw the towel on him. Walk away, because I am ready to snap. Go back in and there he stands wrapped in a towel. I yank the towel off and start drying him off-while he yells at me because he is cold. Then, I pretty much dress him, all except for the shirt which he still needs to decide on. I run up and start his breakfast, glance over as TanMan is sitting on the couch relaxing, watching cartoons. Get the oatmeal going, then run up and yell at TDog to hurry up, brush your teeth, comb your hair!!!! Oh, and then the running argument this morning is that TDog is NOT wearing his snow boots and there is no way on Gods earth that he is bringing his snow pants. Somewhere in all of this the MadScientist calls from work;

Him:"hi! How is it going?"
Me: "ohhhhh, your son is soooo lucky I haven't hurt him this morning"
Him: "Why? whats going on??"
Me: "Look, I have 2 minutes to get these boys out the door, TDog is too cool to wear boots or snow pants, no matter that we have fresh snow on the ground and more coming today and that it is 20 some degrees out there. I am not even going to think about how his teacher probably thinks I am a terrible Mother, sending him off to school with no winter gear. His project won't get done because he thinks I am so dumb as to believe it isn't supposed to come home and that all work is being done at school.
Him: "Oh, so what do you plan on getting done today?"
Me: (insert profanity here)I've gotta go...........



I am trying to remember why it is that I always thought that the Mad-Sci and I would sacrifice so many things to raise our children without daycare. I really don't miss the stuff I give up by staying home. Like, I can't remember when I last bought myself a new pair of jeans. Or that I don't have a decent winter coat except for that fancy one that I would wear to...to I don't know where. I have not been out with any of my friendsin ages-what friends I have left - since I devote my entire life to these two boys of mine. I don't even mind that my once elegant Christmas tree is now covered with construction paper and glitter. I don't mind being labeled as the meanest Mom ever because I won't allow an x-box or whatever the heck that thing is-even if my kids are the ONLY ones who don't have video games or cable t.v. and I don't mind that, the one bottle of wine I splurged on then drank half of a glass before I fell asleep, is sitting on my counter 3 weeks later going to waste. But as I sit here now, sipping my coffee...daycare...I could just drop the boys off, go off and have a life. It may be a life of work and a different type of stress....but man, the kid is only 8. What the heck am I going to do when he is 14???



And then there is the TanMan;
"Mom, would you cuddle with me on the couch?
or TDog: "Mom, will lay in bed with me and read?"


Funny, how when you are waddling around, growing these humans in your belly--No one tells you there will be days like these..........



Maybe the thing to do is to sit around all day in my pajamas, eating cookies and drinking my coffee, watching soap operas. Then when I come out of that fantasy I can wade through the mountain of laundry I have - no matter that I just did 4 loads yesterday. How can two little bodies generate all of that?? Then I can keep my shoes on all day because of the fear of losing a sock when I step on the kitchen floor that is sticky from who knows what. Then we can just eat off of the counter tops since the dirty dishes are there-they aren't going away. Maybe I should throw them all away. Save 4 plates, 4 cups and 4 forks-- maybe..ahhhh that list can go on and on....and now look what my fantasy has turned into. Sitting around watching soap operas....I can't really remember but I am pretty sure 10 years ago, when I had a fantasy, that was not it.

A Summer Day In Minnesota for TDog!

I just had to post this picture here. It is an all time favorite of mine. (And it is not even a picture I took.) This is from last summer and Thomas' 28 year old step brother took him fishing. This is the biggest fish TDog has ever caught! He came home telling us all about it but he left the fish with his brother. I of course, thought he was telling a fishermans story. It is in his blood-he can tell a tale when it comes to the size of the fish he catches. When I finally received this picture in an email last week I was pleasantly surprised. This may very well turn up framed and matted and under our Christmas tree this year!