"I will act now. I will act now. I will act now. Henceforth, I will repeat these words each hour, each day, everyday, until the words become as much a habit as my breathing, and the action which follows becomes as instinctive as the blinking of my eyelids. With these words I can condition my mind to perform every action necessary for my success. I will act now. I will repeat these words again and again and again. I will walk where failures fear to walk. I will work when failures seek rest. I will act now for now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labour of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure. I will act now. Success will not wait. If I delay, success will become wed to another and lost to me forever. This is the time. This is the place. I am the person."
Og Mandino

Oh, life, it is a-changing for me again. I am having to quit my job at the post office. That whole thing is not working out for me. This became clear when I was forced to leave my route, pick my kids up at daycare and then leave them home alone while I finished work. I could have threw up that day. The mad-sci talked to them on the phone almost the whole time they were alone but still..."failure" was all I could think, I was failing as a mom....so I made the choice and although the money is good my children's welfare and my mental health win this battle.

Last week the mad-sci went off on his own and bought a house! Yeah, I know-is he nuts??? Well, it was good for a week long huge battle between us. Then when he finally got me to go look at the house-I liked it! Man, I hate when that happens. So, yep, yet another move, new schools and a whole lot of packing has to happen. And somewhere I need to find the get up and go to do that. The new house is o.k -a house is a house and over the years I have learned as long as there is a roof and it is warm it will work. What sold me and made me have to eat my words was the land. Seven acres all heavily wooded. We are back up in the woods where we belong-my boys act like different kids when the get in the woods.

My Dad is doing o.k. -wish I could report that he is doing great but it is a slow recovery. I believe there is some depression going on with him- the docs say that is totally normal after this type of surgery. It still scares me though and my greatest fear is still losing my Dad. Since the surgery my Mother has come down with some sort of infection in her colon-so far manageable but could turn serious. Pray and more praying.....

Tonight I will be attending a funeral. My nephews buddy who was 29 years old hung himself. I can barely even type that. When my nephew and his buddies were all just out of high school, my home became their hang out. They are all good kids and it breaks my heart to know one of them felt there was no other way than the path he chose. Today I am trying to build myself up to be strong for all of those boys. None of them have really had to deal with death and certainly never in this form. My nephew is giving the eulogy and my sister and I are just wondering how the heck we are going to keep ourselves together for that. Gosh, being an adult just never gets any easier...

Doc says my knee doesn't need surgery-some kind of cyst or some dang thing causing all the pain..what the heck is with that?? I would know except for the doc didn't have time to call and the nurse who was not a barrel of information called with the report. I only heard 'no surgery' and didn't really care about the rest-although I may soon re-visit this if the pain doesn't get any better. Next up in this dragging body of mine is the stupid hysterectomy the other docs say it very necessary.

Damn, I hate surgery...I hate moving and I hate funerals........

what a day...

Here I sit, looking at the gray skies, wondering; o.k. God, watcha got for me today?

My two lil angels, T-Dog and TanMan just about pushed me over the edge yesterday. Geesh, is it really necessary to pound on each other like they do? I usually just sit back and watch them because it all kind of surprises me and honestly, I really don't know what to do at that point. They are tackling each other, kicking, hitting, tickling, half crying and then half laughing. I dunno, must be a boy thing or something. I do get very nervous when I think of them being teenagers and this kind of stuff happening. T-Dog is almost as tall as me right now-I feel my ground falling away here - really fast too!

I have felt for a while that they are growing so fast and keep wondering if I am losing control here. They know how to push my buttons and they know I am a pushover-as their father, the mad scientist keeps reminding me. Yesterday while shopping (the trip I promised all week for the Halloween costume), T-Dog and I were arguing. Or-I was trying to reason and he didn't like my reason. I absolutely hate shopping at Target or Walmart and buying a costume. I tried to tell him that every other kid at school will have the same one. Wouldn't it be way more fun to create our own at home and come up with something really cool - put together by none other than MOM???? I was standing firm here...trying to get him off all that commercial b.s. stuff that kids come to expect now days. Looking back, I don't think my folks ever once even thought about buying our costumes when we were kids. We always, always made them ourselves. You know, when it was cool to be a bum-the kind with a stick and bandanna tied at the end. Or a hippy...lol gosh those were the days-and no one ever, ever had identical costumes. And you know why?? because we all used our own little minds to design the costume. No, we didn't have 25 StarWars get ups running around school, no pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, that reminds me, I have 3 older sisters and they took great fun in designing my costumes. The Shirley Temple story and Puss In Boots story will be saved for a later date (ugh, how could they do that stuff to me??)

Anyway, I have rambled way off the subject, once again. Yesterday after arguing for a good 30 minutes over why I didn't want to pay 20 bucks for a mask for each of my children and then 24.99 for a black scary looking gown - T-dog just lost it. Stomped off and turned back and said; "fine, if your going to be a jerk" and didn't quite finish whatever else was going to come out of that mouth of his - I threw down the few items I had already planned to buy right where I stood and said "fine, we're out of here, get in the car!" (wondering now how many moms looked on) I looked back once and both of my lil angels were standing with their mouths hanging open-and out I marched! T-Dog followed with his mask and black scary gown-running to keep up, TanMan was running already. Apparently all of the times I have warned them to stay close because of the bad guys out there worked-because as I stomped along they kept up. T-Dog still thought I was buying his selection when I hit the registers and walked right through. He was panicking and I was...well, TICKED!!! I went to the car, ordered them to get in and get their seat belts on, which they did in record time. As I started the car and backed up they still thought I was going to turn around and go buy them what they wanted. This all turned into both of them crying and begging and pleading and saying they were sorry. Then when they found I wasn't going back I heard a couple of "I'm running away's" and "I wish I had a different mom". Wrong thing to say at this point boys because they got a "yeah, you're going to wish that even more on Halloween when you are sitting home and no costume at all". Silence from the back seat. Guess I made my point. Oh, the times they are a changing here-those babies of mine are no longer babies and geesh-I have to get in control here. How I long for those long nights of infants screaming their lil heads off all night long, pacing the floors with sick, screaming babies.. It appears now that is just about the easiest time of the Motherhood thing-the time when your little offspring can't talk back!!

So all of this happened at the end of my day. The first part of the day had me at the docs office-having a M.R.I. on my knee. Good Lord, Miss Doctor thinks I tore the meniscus or tendons in my knee. So I've limped around for a little over 6 weeks now thinking it would go away and it was just a little 'creak" in my bones as I age. Not so easy, woman-life does not happen that way. After the physical examination and the doc reporting to me what she thinks is wrong, I was stunned; "I don't have time for that!" sly little smile from doc...ugh off to the M.R.I. I went. No results yet.......who knew delivering mail could be so dangerous. Yes, I twisted my knee while trying to keep my foot on the brake and stretching out the window to reach some mailbox that was way too high. Treatment for any of the things that they are guessing about my knee is not what I want to hear. I will not think about that until I know for sure. Yes, it could just be a strain too.(crossing fingers, toes and legs)

As I was dressing after the M.R.I my cell phone is ringing. What in the world I thought?? No one ever calls me, except my mom and the mad-sci and both know where I am. Answer the phone to hear my sister. Now I know my sisters well and I know when something is wrong and they are trying to be calm and not get me worked up. "Nooo" it's my Dad and he is the emergency room. I am to meet my niece who will take T-Dog and TanMan and then get to hospital. I left the nurses at the clinic with their mouths hinging open as they shouted "drive careful!", next I left my boys standing in McDonald's parking lot with their little Happy Meals in hand next to their car seats with my niece ordering; "just go, I've got it!". As I drove 80 miles an hour to the hospital, praying 'please. please, don't let this be the day' another ring from my phone. A different sis this time. Everything is under control, he is o.k., slow down. Geez is it no wonder I keep my filthy smoking habit??

Upon arriving at the E.R. the receptionists gives my my lil sticker and directs me to my dad but says "there is already a couple of people back there, you'll need to send someone out". I looked at her smiled, said "ya think? You go tell someone to leave. Besides that, I think there is one more sister who hasn't arrived." I must have had a "look" in my eye because she backed down. The last of my sisters to arrive reported she had the same conversation. No one made any of us leave as the four of us along with my Mother stood with our Dad.

It seems a doc of my Dad's prescribed an additional lacik (sp?) pill. I sure do wish the docs communicated better. My Dad was just beginning his first physical therapy session when he turned white, broke out in a sweat and his blood pressure dropped to a level I didn't know was possible. My poor Mother. One of the few times we have let them go to an appointment alone. My Mother had to run behind the gurney as they pushed my Dad from the heart center physical therapy area to the emergency room.. They wasted no time and we are all very thankful he was already at the hospital and not at home for this. My Dad was dehydrated from being over prescribed the water pills. My sisters and I all gave each other "the look" as they tried to explain that a lot of times there is some "tweaking" that needs to go on after heart surgery. Yeah, well lets just get it right-this is MY DAD for cripes sake!!

Today I am a little bit afraid to leave the house or answer the phone. And that isn't even the worst of it, to prove a point, I need to come up with 2 really cool costumes that I will be capable of making at home. And yes, I happen to be the least crafty or artistic person I know.

and life & death

These are my daughters, I suppose.But where in the world did the children vanish?
~Phyllis McGinley, "Ballad of Lost Objects," 1954



It has been just over a week since my Dad's surgery. He had a triple bypass and the valve replacement was not done-docs didn't want to put him through that much more risk. I am so relieved to have that part over and now we are on to recovery. Not easy for a stubborn ole (almost) 76 year old guy. This isn't just any guy, it is my Dad and he is tough. Tough, as in "no, I don't need pain meds" (after my chest has been cracked open). And "no, I'm not getting out of my damn chair to walk on the treadmill, I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready" tough.

So far, I think, my 3 sisters and I are basically just driving him nuts. He scowls at us when we question him about his medication, his exercise and his diet. But man, he was laying there knocked out when the docs came out of surgery to give us the report. He didn't have to walk in the room and see himself with a tube down his throat and a machine breathing for him. He wasn't aware that a whole day had went by that my mother and us four girls paced the floors of the hospital. It was scary and I hated it.

I suppose I am being selfish in getting on his butt all the time to do the only things the doctors have said will make a difference in him living. They have done what they can but there was much more calcification in all of his arteries than we knew until they actually got in and could see it. So not what we were hoping for. We all had this idea that he would have this surgery and feel so much better and all of our lives would go happily on. And I believe they will, for how long we do not know. The only thing we do know is that he needs to be on a strict diet and exercise to prevent any further damage. And then pray like a crazy woman that my Dad is able to stick around for a long while yet. I keep thinking to myself, how will I be a Mom without my Dad?

So many things I have been forced to face in the last week. I have broke down, I have stomped around (much in the fashion my Dad would) mad as hell, I have made deals with myself and the big guy upstairs. All of this to come to the realization that my folks are not going to live forever. Seems silly as I write it here now-like what did I think?? But facing it all is so hard. Thinking about if we lose one of them how will we take care of the other. How will I take care of my own children when the time actually does come? I know, this is a pretty "black" thing to write about...but maybe I will go just an hour today without thinking about all of it if I write it and get it out of me.

The last few days I have been just staying as busy as I can. I have been making heart healthy meals, heart healthy treats and running errands or sitting with my Dad so my Mom can get out for a bit. And then I come home, take care of my own little family, then go to bed and lay awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to not think about the "what ifs". I'm exhausted-and it isn't just me-I have 3 other sisters who are in exactly the same boat as me. And all the while we are trying to come to terms with the fact that no one lives forever and in doing that, we are driving my mom and dad nuts. LOL I know for sure at least one time over the last week, they just wanted to say, 'would you all just go home and let us have some peace and quiet for a while??'

I put the TanMan on the bus at 1p.m. in the afternoon and then hop in my car to go to my folks. (Unless I make two trips and jump in the car after TDog catches the bus in the morning and run home for the next bus, then run back there) Then I check out the record keeping on the forms my sisters have made for my Dad to keep track of his medication, his weight, blood pressure and exercise times, check for swelling, check out his incision, do the dishes ,tell him for the hundredth time to get his feet up on the pillows and to blow(or suck I can never remember) into his breathing machine thingee (obviously I am not the one with medical training in my family). I then hand my Dad his pain meds because he is invariably overdue for it. He just shakes his head and takes it from me. Guess he has learned he can't win. No matter how tough he is - his four daughters are tougher... as long as when I walk in the house, he is sitting in his chair where I expect, I am soooo tough ........now, if I can just get past having to run over there to make sure that is where he is.

yet another milestone

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be
the source of your joy.
— Thich Nhat Hanh

When I first started journaling I thought it would be a good way to save all the cute little things my boys say and also the milestones in our lives. This last week we had one of those moments and here it is......

First off since the mad scientist has made it through his probation period at his job we now have health insurance!! What a feature in life! We have went a good two years without insurance and probably saved a lot of money since we are basically healthy. A few trips to the doc for the boys for this and that which required cash payments but we managed. Now, however, since we have insurance I have put myself in line for a major overhaul. Starting with my eyes, because being able to see and read is pretty important. Driving was getting to be a challenge because I need glasses to see far away-and I had those. But I couldn't read the dash board unless I took my glasses off to look there. Driving 70 on a highway it gets pretty dangerous when one is fumbling around with eye glasses. Not only that, with my new job delivering mail, well, you can imagine how that was going. So off to the eye doc I went....the Doc says I have healthy eyes but he sure wouldn't let his kids ride with me and he is glad I don't deliver his mail. hmmmmmm "so, I wasn't just imagining this stuff huh?"

BIFOCALS!!! I have reached the stage!!! Getting used to these bifocals has been interesting too- I have lost count of how many curbs I have stumbled up and down. At the top of a flight of stairs it is enough to give you motion sickness. No falls down any stairs but I do have a firm grip on the rail when going down. I know have a new range of motion with my neck too. Look up, look down-where the heck is the sweet spot of these glasses again?? Gosh getting old is great fun.

So, the next step is off to have the wrinkles pulled out of my face; the dreaded but much necessary mammogram!! And if gyn doc even insinuates the beginning of menopause-I'm headed for the hills!!!! Someone stop this train I want to get off!!!


Note: My Dads open heart surgery is scheduled for Tuesday the 7th of October. A triple bypass and valve replacement. Prayers much appreciated!!!!

To fix a problem

Alright, I may have found the issue of why people cannot "follow" me. Seems having quotation marks and a question mark in the title may have been the problem. Guess we'll find out.

Change is good right?
Ugh stupid AOL.............but here I am anyway.