Amazing Grace

And so it goes-the holiday season has arrived with a bang in my life.

I cooked and cleaned for 2 days preparing for Thanksgiving here at our new home. My own lil family and my oldest step-son and his family (girlfriend and their 4 young children) were our guests. Funny how you prepare for hours and hours for a meal that doesn't even last 30 minutes. It was a good dinner and it was with a full heart that I finally sat down to my table to share the holiday with our family. After dinner with 6 young kids(ages range from 2 - 8) running wild through the house we stepped outside. The kids were most excited about this part-the bon fire and roasting marshmallows. We went through 2 bags of marshmallow's and I believe a bag and half were stuck on our shoes. No one was hurt which is somewhat of a miracle in itself. That is a lot of kids to be surrounding a fire pit. The adult children were thinking that I was just about the lamest Mom around when I made everyone pull up a chair to sit around the fire and sing. Thanksgiving night was ending with us sitting by the fire and me leading my family in rounds of Christmas carols. The little kids enjoyed this and at the top of their little lungs sang along with me. The adult children joined in because I guess they just couldn't resist. I mean, how could they? As I sang and looked around at sticky marshmallow faces with giant smiles. Yes, it is my very own tradition I started this Thanksgiving and it brings joy thinking about the traditions my own parents gave me and now that has set me up to start new ones for my two sons and for my grandchildren. Our new neighbors are probably thinking we are nuts -I am sure our screaming voices could be heard carrying through the surrounding woods on a beautiful clear Thanksgiving night.

Now, my real Thanksgiving story starts here, two days before Thanksgiving. As I am running around at 6a.m. trying to get the boys ready for school the telephone rings. Panic-I hate those calls especially since my Dad's heart surgery and knowing that my Mother has been sick for the last 2 weeks. No, not that and so I breathe again...but it is my sister. As she begins talking I hear my niece who is 30 years old in the background, crying and moaning. We talk for a bit and my sister decides that she will be off to the emergency room with her daughter. I tell her to keep me posted and I am off running with my boys and not too concerned yet with my niece. Two hours later I get a call from my sis and she reports that blood has been drawn and she will call me as soon as she hears anything. About an hour later the phone rings, sis again and she sounds kind of mad. She begins with:

SIS: well, in a couple of hours your niece is going to have a baby

ME: (laughing) What????

SIS: How do you have a a person growing inside you and not know it?
ME: Are you serious?

SIS: Do you think this funny?

ME: I'm kind of in shock here...she is having a baby???

SIS: You think you are in shock....what am I going to do???

ME: wellllllll.....you are going to go be the nurse and Mom that you are and help her have that baby

SIS: o.k. easy for you- I'll call you back

Next Phone call comes a few hours later and my sister is crying so hard I almost throw up. "What happened?? Is she o.k.-is there a baby?" I shout. She reports that there is no baby yet but she is panicking. My sister is a public health nurse and she has seen the worst of the worst in new born babies who have had no prenatal care and mothers who have not taken care at all - even abused their little babies before they are born. I am listening to my sister and trying to breathe. "OK, I tell her you have to breathe..lets breathe together. That baby is fine-God has his hands on that baby, believe that it will be fine. DO NOT go anywhere else-just believe it is a healthy baby." My sister is now down to a quiet sob, "say it", I tell her "say that the baby is going to come out breathing strong and healthy". She squeaks it out and is a little calmer but I am pacing. I can't get to the hospital and I know my sister needs me. That was a horrible. In the middle of all of this my own Mother is trying to get a hold of my sister. Geeze, we don't need that right now-our parents health is very shaky right now. What are we going to do about that?? So I call to check up on my mom and dad, feel like I am deceiving them in a huge way but don't let them in on what is happening. They were o.k, my Mother was just calling to chat with my sister. (HAH, if she only knew)

At 5:13p.m. the phone call comes and this time it is my niece. The baby has arrived. Healthy and strong and it is a girl. I almost fall over from the relief. My sister and her other daughter coached my niece and she was able to deliver this little miracle. I ask my niece "you had no idea?" She tells me no and that she had never missed her monthly cycle the whole nine months and the docs say occasionally that happens. Yes, my niece carried this child to full term and never had a clue. Two days before she delivered this baby she was at my folks cleaning their carpets and then went home and climbed a ladder and got on the roof to clean the gutters out. She was never sick, she worked at her job the entire time. She also did not prepare for a baby, she did not take care of her body or her babies since she had no idea. But the Lord has blessed her and my niece is now the Mother of a healthy baby.

I drove to my folks house that night to let them know what had happened. I was very worried. My Dad is still recovering from open heart surgery. So on that 40 minute drive I worked on my speech and how I was going to break it to my folks without shocking them too much. In the end it didn't matter because as soon as I started my speech my Dad got impatient and said 'just what the hell are you trying to tell us?" lol they thought I was pregnant. So I finally just blurted it out. And lo and behold -they were happy!! Babies are blessing we agreed and our family has just grown another notch. In a day My mother, myself and my sister ran around buying everything that was needed to bring a new baby home....and on Thanksgiving Day..........

Grace Amanda came home........

Amazing Grace

To be a Mom

As I laid down late last Friday night, I thought today had to be one of the hardest (if not THE hardest day) of being a mom. Friday was the boys last day at their old school. Tanner was pumped and ready to move on. "I can't wait to meet new friends, go to recess and eat hot lunch!!" he told me. At the old school, he attended half the day, every day, which meant no recess, phy ed, or eating in the lunch room. The lil TanMan was excited and ran off so fast that we didn't even get a chance to say good bye to his teacher. He ran all the way down to T-Dogs class room where we were met by the class just leaving and heard their shouts of "Good Bye Thomas!" and "We'll miss you" and "Don't leave us Thomas!". I took one look at Thomas and the look in his eye told me I was in for a rough one here. His classmates all left and we headed into the classroom to pack up all of his things (3 grocery bags of things, in fact). Thomas sat at his desk then opened it and finally just broke down and the tears came. Tanner was shocked and then more shocked when I couldn't hold back my own tears. Thomas and I moved about gathering all of his stuff, both crying. My poor baby did not want to leave the room, and then finally composed himself to walk out through the hallway-but as soon as we were out the doors he cried so hard that I thought my heart was going to bust right open there in the parking lot at school. He cried all the way home and then went to his room. I went in to check on him and he sat on his bed with a pile of good bye cards that his classmates had made for him. He read and re-read each one and sobbed and sobbed. When he finally fell asleep with the cards piled next to him and I went in to check on him he was still sobbing in his sleep.

I had to work all day Saturday but I previously made plans for TDog to hang at one of his buddies house all day and over night. I didn't want him to just sit and think about Monday. Monday, for Thomas, was like a big, black, scary cloud coming at him-and I knew that. I had Sunday planned out as well. We were to be outside all day. I would rake the yard, get a bonfire going and let Thomas tend to it all day and burn a bunch of scrap wood we had around. No boy, not even a sad one, can resist a bonfire. We got outside by 10:00a.m.and didn't come in until 6. We ate dinner and then I knew it was coming. "I don't want to go to school tomorrow-I'm not going!" he announced to me. "Yes" I said "you are going and it will be fine". This turned into another crying session of him begging me not to make him go. "Can't I just go to my old school?" he cried. I stayed firm but laid in his bed with him until he couldn't stay awake any longer. It was 8:30p.m. and a record early bedtime for him. The fresh air and fire did the trick but I knew I was still in for a tough road in the morning.

I woke my boys this morning and Tanner jumped up, hopped in the shower and was dressed and ready to go an hour early. T-Dog woke up with "I am NOT going to school today!" which I ignored and said get up, get in the shower and then I proceeded to lift him out of bed, carry him to the shower and put him in. I waited 20 minutes went and turned off shower, lifted him out and started putting his clothes on him. He is 8 years old and weighs 60lbs. I am 44 years old and weigh 100lbs. I made him some breakfast, he ate and said "I am still hungry and I am NOT going to school". I just kept moving on - putting one foot in front of the other. My heart is broken and I am feeling like the worlds worst mom already-Friday's episode has not left my head yet. But I know there just isn't another option and if I am screwing up my child's life I cannot back track now. I have to stay positive, stay strong and absolutely NO TEARS from me. I finally walk out the door with Tanner to go to the car and tell Thomas to get out there but leaving him alone. To my surprise he follows. Hmmm I think, maybe this won't be so bad. Although I am still hearing "I am NOT going to school" from the back seat (Tanner is busy practising his letters as we drive along). The closer we get to school, I can feel the fear coming from the back seat as I hear "I AM NOT GOING!" Or it might be my car seat shaking that I felt since he was kicking it as he yelled at me.

We get to school and I open his door-he climbs into the front seat.
Thomas: "NO! I'm not going"
Mom: "yes you have to go and I promise it is all going to be fine"
Thomas: : "NOOO"
( I am fully aware that the kid is scared half to death and is doing everything in his power to not cry)
Mom: "you need to get out right now or I'll have to go in and have somebody come out and bring you in" (a lie but push THAT guilt out)

Finally he gets out and we begin the walk inside. As we walk he is hitting my arm and this is what I heard over and over:
"I hate you. You are the worst Mom ever. I hate you. I wish you weren't my Mom. I hate you. You are the worst Mom ever. I hate you. I wish you weren't my Mom."

"Ok" I say, I still love you and wouldn't make you do this if I knew it wouldn't all be OK. I'm sad that you wish you had a different Mom but you still need to go to school". (Big ass crack in my heart-or whats left of it anyway-)

Then we get to his classroom and he sits in a chair outside the room. I am looking around-trying to figure my next move when the new teacher comes out.

Teacher: Good Morning, can you hear how excited all the kids are to meet you Thomas?
Thomas: glares at Mom
Teacher: well c'mon in, everyone is waiting
Thomas: glares at Mom
Mom: Here is his back pack-everything he needs is in there. Except, shoot I forgot his day planner
Teacher: you forgot his day planner???
Thomas: I am not going
Mom: Good bye, I love you......(look at teacher but can't hold tears back any more and walk away.

When I am about 50 yards away I dare to look back and Thomas is looking at me with 'how could you do this to me?', I am sobbing and Tanner is now late for his first day. We race through the buildings to get to Tan Mans class where he calmly turns around says, "Bye Mom" and walks away. I am next found in the office, half crying as the office ladies are chuckling and telling me I have done the right thing. It is just that hump we needed to get over. That may be so but please call the class room and see if everything is o.k. The lady smiles but makes the call and reports back that all is well and that Thomas is already interacting with the other kids. Probably a lie-I don't know but I'll be back because I am turning around and going home for the day planner. On that drive I call the mad scientist and tell him....well...I don't think I want an R rating on this entry-so you can imagine that he got an earful today....


So now as I sit here in my quiet home - all alone...and do nothing but WORRY...and miss my kids I have decided that yes, this is the hardest day ever for me in being a Mom. Geeesh, I am in trouble once they reach the teen years.

After delivering 2 - 9 pound plus babies who would have thought...that was the easy part.

Here I am again-twice in two days. Maybe I could have been having Internet withdrawals-since I went almost 3 weeks with out my beloved computer. Who knows - or cares but here I go anyway..............

OK, so lots of journaling is done about what individuals are grateful for or how they are blessed. Well, me being.............well ---- me, here is my version:

Things that totally tick me off....

1. Gas prices. Yesterday I paid $1.74 for a gallon of gas. WTH?? Honestly, the cost of filling my car drops in half and the local news reports that but not why???!!! The news also does not report that the guys at the head of the fuel cost issues are going to jail-which is where they should be-and then their bank accounts should be disbursed to feed the starving-or something. I wonder how do those people sleep at night.
(This is a rant post-if you want politically correct and accuracy of terms you better click off right now!)

2. Guys in big 4 wheel drive trucks who swerve in and out of traffic creating all kinds of hazards just to get ahead of the next guy. Although they passed me miles back, when I reach the stop light-there they are sitting next tome waiting on the same light.

3. Crying. You know, I consider myself a pretty strong individual. I have been through some truly crappy times and I survive. I can lift one end of a 3000lb couch and carry it outdoors to a truck. I can carry boxes that must weigh 400lbs each and then carry them again and then unpack them and put all that junk away. I can arrange and organize a whole household-alone with two little boys following me around ("why???MOM??Whyyyy can't we go play at McDonalds playland?? WHYYYYY Can't we have friends sleep over tonight??WHYYY? MOM???WHYY???). So when the kindergarten teacher says "hold on a minute I want to give you something" and then hands me photo's of my little TanMan at school throughout the year-starting with day one of his education; why is it that I lose it and bust out crying in front of a whole room of kindergartners. Go to office to have T-DOG pulled out of class, cry some more when secretaries ask how the transition is going. (I had 3 other office workers in tears before I walked out of there). Then drive Thomas to his new school to meet the new teacher. Spend the 30 minute commute trying to compose myself when all I want to do is pull over and cry. I then enter the new classroom with my very brave 8 year old son and Mrs. New Teacher says; "My class is very excited to have you Thomas, in fact look what we have for you" and then hands us a whole pile of handmade greeting cards welcoming my son to his new school. ME? Of course-I cry again. Mrs. Teacher looks at me like I am nuts. I don't know-maybe I am.

4. Car washes that cost me 8 bucks and after driving through and all the way home, smiling because I feel all shiny and new. Then get out of car, turn around to admire shiny car and see that 8 bucks got only the top layer of grime off.

5. Snack bags. Three times now I have been to Walmart to get sandwich bags. Ziplock sandwich bags. Three times I have managed to come home with snack bags which are about a quarter of the size of a sandwich bag. Two oreo cookies fit in the dang thing. Who sends two oreo cookies anywhere??

6. Internet tech guys who help you get back on line but have a heavy accent and make me say"whattt??" a thousand times before I am up and running. No more explanation needed here.

7. Utility companies. Why do I have to call Colorado, speak with foreign sounding guy, all to get billing in my name when I live in Minnesota? (This probably should have been lumped with #6)

8. I have nurtured, fed and clothed my children since their very first breath. So why is it that now I know nothing. Why is it that they are sooooooooooo much more fashionable than me. Do they not know that the great taste they have developed in clothing and hair styles is all totally thanks to, who else?? MOM!!! Gosh.....think about it boys......
Someday when you have children of your own is running through my mind here. Please make that stop. lol


9. People who are insistent about picking apart my grammar, spelling and writing ability. This is for me-read it if you like but excuse the mess I make of it. I am a busy woman. I am busy teaching my 5 year old the 100 sight words he needs to know by the end of this school year. Not only that, I am busy studying spelling words , explaining what a verb is and now multiplication to an 8 year old.

LOL
How scary is that???????

A quick update

Here I am. I am alive and well-tired but I am here. I survived yet another move-which really is a pain in the rear end. I was able to move our entire lives except for the heavy stuff (furniture anyway-the heavy junk sticks to me like glue) by myself while the mad scientist was at work and the kids were in school. I am now 30 minutes further from my folks, which makes them sad and makes me drive a whole lot more. My Dad is doing pretty well-he is doing rehab now and is building his strength back up. My Mother has been ill though and that has created a whole other set of worries. Does it never end?

I did not quit my post office job - yet. I had planned to and still plan on quitting. I hate quitting-quitting is such a negative word. I was all ready to "part ways" and then thought about the week I had agreed to work and the $ it would mean right after a move. Moving is just not cheap and there is Christmas looming up ahead at me. The cart before the horse.

The mad-scientist has invited 10 or so people here for Thanksgiving-which sadly means I wont be spending it with my own family. I do see my folks almost daily though and they are very understanding about it. I am trying to be happy about the Thanksgiving plans that were made without any consideration of my feelings-since there is that next holiday coming and I will be without any doubt spending that at my folks as I have for my entire life. Giving up Thanksgiving for Christmas is an o.k. trade. All things are relative.

I am busy driving a 40 mile round trip back to the boys school. I haven't made the switch yet with them. T-Dog is pretty nervous about starting at a new school and that makes me sad. I know he will do o.k.-better than I would. I have to keep telling myself this is not me-it is my outgoing little boy who makes friends easily. TanMan is very excited about the new school-at age 5 anything new is a exciting adventure I suppose. I agreed to one more week at the old school so T-Dog could go on a field trip with his class. He had been looking forward to it for weeks and I couldn't just say - 'oops sorry, even though you have been planning and looking forward to that-it won't happen'. So....this week is it and it is worth it. The field trip was yesterday and when Thomas got in the car after school his exact words were..."the field trip was awesome!"


It took me almost two weeks to find the time to unpack my computer and then get all the new DSL junk all set up...If I gotta be married to the mad scientist it sure would be nice if he could do computers...but nope-that is way out of his realm. He can run the phone lines but that is it...so after nearly yanking all the hair out of my head last night-here I am today with hundreds of journals to catch up on.......