and life & death

These are my daughters, I suppose.But where in the world did the children vanish?
~Phyllis McGinley, "Ballad of Lost Objects," 1954



It has been just over a week since my Dad's surgery. He had a triple bypass and the valve replacement was not done-docs didn't want to put him through that much more risk. I am so relieved to have that part over and now we are on to recovery. Not easy for a stubborn ole (almost) 76 year old guy. This isn't just any guy, it is my Dad and he is tough. Tough, as in "no, I don't need pain meds" (after my chest has been cracked open). And "no, I'm not getting out of my damn chair to walk on the treadmill, I'll do it when I'm damn good and ready" tough.

So far, I think, my 3 sisters and I are basically just driving him nuts. He scowls at us when we question him about his medication, his exercise and his diet. But man, he was laying there knocked out when the docs came out of surgery to give us the report. He didn't have to walk in the room and see himself with a tube down his throat and a machine breathing for him. He wasn't aware that a whole day had went by that my mother and us four girls paced the floors of the hospital. It was scary and I hated it.

I suppose I am being selfish in getting on his butt all the time to do the only things the doctors have said will make a difference in him living. They have done what they can but there was much more calcification in all of his arteries than we knew until they actually got in and could see it. So not what we were hoping for. We all had this idea that he would have this surgery and feel so much better and all of our lives would go happily on. And I believe they will, for how long we do not know. The only thing we do know is that he needs to be on a strict diet and exercise to prevent any further damage. And then pray like a crazy woman that my Dad is able to stick around for a long while yet. I keep thinking to myself, how will I be a Mom without my Dad?

So many things I have been forced to face in the last week. I have broke down, I have stomped around (much in the fashion my Dad would) mad as hell, I have made deals with myself and the big guy upstairs. All of this to come to the realization that my folks are not going to live forever. Seems silly as I write it here now-like what did I think?? But facing it all is so hard. Thinking about if we lose one of them how will we take care of the other. How will I take care of my own children when the time actually does come? I know, this is a pretty "black" thing to write about...but maybe I will go just an hour today without thinking about all of it if I write it and get it out of me.

The last few days I have been just staying as busy as I can. I have been making heart healthy meals, heart healthy treats and running errands or sitting with my Dad so my Mom can get out for a bit. And then I come home, take care of my own little family, then go to bed and lay awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to not think about the "what ifs". I'm exhausted-and it isn't just me-I have 3 other sisters who are in exactly the same boat as me. And all the while we are trying to come to terms with the fact that no one lives forever and in doing that, we are driving my mom and dad nuts. LOL I know for sure at least one time over the last week, they just wanted to say, 'would you all just go home and let us have some peace and quiet for a while??'

I put the TanMan on the bus at 1p.m. in the afternoon and then hop in my car to go to my folks. (Unless I make two trips and jump in the car after TDog catches the bus in the morning and run home for the next bus, then run back there) Then I check out the record keeping on the forms my sisters have made for my Dad to keep track of his medication, his weight, blood pressure and exercise times, check for swelling, check out his incision, do the dishes ,tell him for the hundredth time to get his feet up on the pillows and to blow(or suck I can never remember) into his breathing machine thingee (obviously I am not the one with medical training in my family). I then hand my Dad his pain meds because he is invariably overdue for it. He just shakes his head and takes it from me. Guess he has learned he can't win. No matter how tough he is - his four daughters are tougher... as long as when I walk in the house, he is sitting in his chair where I expect, I am soooo tough ........now, if I can just get past having to run over there to make sure that is where he is.